Byte Size: Aaahh!!! The Realest Monster Movies
Exploring the wild and wonderful world of creature features.
Earlier this month, I watched two seemingly disparate films: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) and Shrek (2001). Now, on paper, these films couldn’t be any more different. One is a playful post-modern parody of fairytales and Disney hyper-commodification. The other is an aggressively stupid, anti-human, globetrotting smash-em-up sequel full of hollow characters and titanic destruction.
So, what brings these two films together, you ask? M O N S T E R S. You know the ones. The subject of all the wild and wonderful creature features. Those grotesque aberrations of nature. The things that continuously go bump in the night. Nightmare fuel of all shapes and sizes.
Here’s a list of some of the realest monster movies, featuring atavistic animal terror, demonic dragons, acid-spitting, shape-shifting xenos, diabolical dinosaurs, and city-wide kaiju chaos. Enjoy.
Jaws (1975)
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” The OG and a bonafide classic. Spielberg is single-handedly responsible for scaring people shitless of the ocean and its ruthless apex predator. Old mate Seaquest DSV gets jerked around by everyone in the film, as he tries in vain to make people see the dangers of swimming for capitalism. Also, the practical shark effects still hold up. Watch the trailer here.
Alien (1979)
God, I love this film. It’s innovative and gripping. Every little detail is near-flawless. The lived-in, “oil rig in space” aesthetic of the Nostromo. The austere dining scene, filled with rich characterisation and future politic, working-class banter. Ripley as the reluctant heroine. The barren, gothic desolation of LV-426. H.R. Giger xenos. Creepy egg-bryos. Face-huggers. Milky androids. The freaking chest-burster scene! Incredible. Watch the trailer here.
The Thing (1982)
John Carpenter’s magnum opus is a veritable masterclass in crafting white-knuckle tension. The shape-shifting alien of undisclosed origin is the perfect antagonist precisely because we know so little about it. What is it? Why is it here? Why does it kill? What does it want? We never really find out, but that’s okay because the story that takes us there is one hell of a ride. Also, Kurt Russell. So, you know, there’s that too. Watch the trailer here.
The Terminator (1984)
Okay, look, I know this isn’t technically a “monster” movie. But what’s more terrifying than a killer murder-bot, sent back in time, with only one goal in mind and the body of the world’s most recognisable Austrian bodybuilder? Nothing. For real though, this is a brutal film and the perfect technology-as-monster allegory. Arnie going full ACAB? Iconic. Plus, it’s almost as good as the sequel. Watch the trailer here.
Jurassic Park (1993)
It’s official—this is the definitive monster movie. Pack it up, it’s done. The scale, the themes, the score, the grand, sweeping vision of it all. It’s all perfect and timeless and endlessly enjoyable. Who doesn’t love dinosaurs? Who doesn’t love Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum? Spielberg really spared no expense on this Michael Crichton adaptation and it shows. It’s a genre-defining classic for a reason, folks. Watch the trailer here.
Anaconda (1997)
What’s scarier than a giant shark? A giant snake, of course. Everything about this film is so desperately 90s it hurts. Ice Cube and J-Lo. Weird thematic tone and cringe-worthy dialogue. Crazy sound mixing and overblown foley sound. The balance of very obvious practical effects and dated CGI. It makes for glorious B-movie fun and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Watch the trailer here.
Reign of Fire (2002)
For this slice of early 2000s schlocky brilliance, I’ll just quote Matt Lynch:
“There’s so, so much to like about this. The creature FX are surprisingly solid, there’s an unexpected level of warmth to the character interactions, the intrinsic silliness is overwhelmed by a complete lack of irony, and it just looks fantastic, especially the incredible main stronghold exterior set (this additionally being an outstanding last analog gasp for production design). McConaughey is in maybe the earliest instance of his Mega mode. But above all that there’s the fact that there are literally hundreds of post-apocalypse movies out there, and they involve everything from pandemics to alien invasion to political upheaval to natural disaster. But this is the only one that’s because fucking dragons. Pure genius straight from Hell.”
Watch the trailer here.
Cloverfield (2008)
Back in 2008, the hype for this film was insane. This was a pre-Reddit, proto-YouTube period of time where film theories and rabid speculation were still the domain of obscure forums and virulent neckbeards. I remember going into the cinema completely blind about what was going to happen. And it was awesome. If you haven’t seen Cloverfield, and you have no idea what it’s even about, then cherish that experience and dive right in. Watch the trailer here.
The Shape of Water (2017)
The premise of The Shape of Water is a simple one: Can a cute mute lady janitor truly love an amphibious Amazonian mutant man among the shadow of 60s Cold War hysteria, racism, and xenophobia? Well, director Guillermo del Toro certainly thinks so. Because this movie gets all kinds of freaky (if you know what I mean). Plus, Michael Shannon hams it up as a truly despicable villain, making for a simplistic yet wholesome tale of forbidden interspecies erotica, ahh, I mean love. Watch the trailer here.
Underwater (2020)
This one flew right under people’s radars in the pre-pandemic months of 2020, after being in release schedule purgatory for years during the Fox-Disney merger. Suffice to say, and without major spoilers, if you’ve got ‘thassalophobic’ tendencies and a taste for Lovecraftian horror, then this is the film for you. As I mentioned in my FilmBunker review: “Underwater is still a competent, engaging, albeit derivative, film that manages to do quite a lot with a conservative budget and sharp script.” Watch the trailer here.
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