Byte Size: Ranking R.O.L.A.N.D.
Appreciating the cinematic works of the world's premier diastrophist.
Okay, before we get too excited here, I have a disclaimer to make: I have not, as of writing, witnessed the glory that is Moonfall.
(Not sure if you noticed there, but the Moon is falling. Into the Earth! What?!?!)
It’s been a busy few weeks and I’m currently away on business, so catching up on the latest flick has taken the back-seat as a priority. Shameful, I know… However, to celebrate the release of writer, director and “vulgar auteur” Roland Emmerich’s latest blockbuster spectacle, I have chronicled his most important works and ranked them according to my own personal, super-scientific and extremely accurate rating system (see below).
May it please you and prepare you for the day of the fallen Moon. Huzzah!
The R.O.L.A.N.D. System
Now, in order to assess the value of each iconic Emmerich joint, I have created a six-point system consisting of crucial characteristics and ratings from 0-9:
Realism: Are the events of the film plausible or completely bonkers?
Owen Bias: This is an obvious corrective and fairly self-evident.
Laughs Per Minute: How many flailing CGI bodies does one laugh make?
Anger Induced: Do character motivations make your temples burst?
Newness: Is the film an adaptation, re-tread or something inspired?
Dope Speeches: C’mon, this is Emmerich. Of course it has speeches.
And I also added in the below qualifiers for best practice:
RTM: Rotten Tomatoes meter ranking out of 10.
AS: Average Audience Score ranking out of 10.
Pulled together, this achieves the model known as The R.O.L.A.N.D. System:
Armed with this information, we can now count down the ten most iconic Roland Emmerich joints in the most objective and non-biased way possible.
10) Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)
Synopsis: “We always knew they were coming back. Using recovered alien technology, the nations of Earth have collaborated on an immense defense program to protect the planet. But nothing can prepare us for the aliens’ advanced and unprecedented force. Only the ingenuity of a few brave men and women can bring our world back from the brink of extinction.”
Ranking:
Utter dogshit and one of the worst sequels of all time. Ugly, boring, completely unnecessary, and a permanent stain on Emmerich’s already questionable record. Do not watch. Avoid at all costs.
9) Godzilla (1998)
Synopsis: “When a freighter is viciously attacked in the Pacific Ocean, a team of experts – including biologist Niko Tatopoulos and scientists Elsie Chapman and Mendel Craven – concludes that an oversized reptile is the culprit. Before long, the giant lizard is loose in Manhattan, destroying everything within its reach. The team chases the monster to Madison Square Garden, where a brutal battle ensues.”
Ranking:
It’s not terrible but it’s not great either. The human characters are bland as hell but once Gojira is there tear-assing around Manhattan, the film picks up significantly. Until that is, it completely nosedives off a cliff in the third act with some weak, wannabe Jurassic Park shit. At least we’ll always have that dope Puff Daddy track.
8) 10,000 BC (2008)
Synopsis: “A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter’s journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.”
Ranking:
In a pinch, I couldn’t really tell you why this film is “objectively” better than Godzilla. Maybe because it’s an original screenplay and not a bastardized version of infinitely cooler and interesting Japanese intellectual property? Also, Steven Strait (of The Expanse fame) has dreadlocks in this thing. So, there’s that.
7) Universal Soldier (1992)
Synopsis: “An American soldier who had been killed during the Vietnam War is revived 25 years later by the military as a semi-android, UniSols, a high-tech soldier of the future. After the failure of the initiative to erase all the soldier’s memories, he begins to experience flashbacks that are forcing him to recall his past.”
Ranking:
Exceptional B-movie action schlock. Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren play veteran war criminals-turned-cyborgs who spend the entire film sweaty, confused, and obsessed with elaborately kicking one another. It rules. Also, this film is responsible for Emmerich’s longstanding creative partnership with Dean Devlin, which yields many dividends.
6) The Patriot (2000)
Synopsis: “After proving himself on the field of battle in the French and Indian War, Benjamin Martin wants nothing more to do with such things, preferring the simple life of a farmer. But when his son Gabriel enlists in the army to defend their new nation, America, against the British, Benjamin reluctantly returns to his old life to protect his son.”
Ranking:
God, I adored this film as a kid. I bought a copy on DVD and likely watched this thing 50 times or more. Funnily enough, in my adolescent ignorance, I also had no idea that the same dude who made Independence Day wanted Mel “Drunken Racial Slur” Gibson to play a Revolutionary War freedom fighter who enjoys hatcheting Redcoats to death. Superb casting decision, if you ask me. Also, there’s a wild Heath Ledger here (RIP) and Jason Isaacs hamming shit up as a dastardly villain. Great stuff.
5) White House Down (2013)
Synopsis: “Capitol Policeman John Cale has just been denied his dream job with the Secret Service of protecting President James Sawyer. Not wanting to let down his little girl with the news, he takes her on a tour of the White House, when the complex is overtaken by a heavily armed paramilitary group. Now, with the nation’s government falling into chaos and time running out, it’s up to Cale to save the president, his daughter, and the country.”
Ranking:
Arguably the perfect hate-watch film. Also not to be confused with the equally stupid Olympus Has Fallen, of the same year, which is just as bad. The premise here is essentially Die Hard in the White House and the casting really sells it. Channing Tatum is no John McClane but he does enough quips and headshots to get through. Jamie Foxx is the Obama analogue and he fires a rocket launcher out of an SUV sunroof. James Woods is the bad guy because of course he is. It’s all super dumb and great. You can’t get any better than this.
4) The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Synopsis: “After years of increases in the greenhouse effect, havoc is wreaked globally in the form of catastrophic hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves, floods and the beginning of a new Ice Age. Paleoclimatologist, Jack Hall tries to warn the world while also shepherding to safety his son, trapped in New York after the city is overwhelmed by the start of the new big freeze.”
Ranking:
Now, this is the real shit. When people think of a ‘Roland Emmerich film’ this is what they see in their heads. Totally bonkers, plot-driven nonsense where characters don’t speak like human beings and immense disasters play out on a global scale, allowing us to gawk at the murder of countless CGI civilians. Oh, and the villains in this one are people who actively hate science and literal climate change. Hhmmm, I don’t know, this one feels too ~ t o p i c a l ~.
3) Stargate (1994)
Synopsis: “An interstellar teleportation device, found in Egypt, leads to a planet with humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra.”
Ranking:
Okay look, I’m a massive nerd and an eternal Stargate fanboy. I did a whole episode with the good folks over at the Hit Factory podcast where I gush about this film and really overthink the political ideology of the US Air Force versus Egyptian desert aliens. That said, I do think this is where Emmerich came into his own as a director and it stands alone as his most patient and earnest film. Plus, it’s got James Spader AND Kurt Russell in it. C’mon!
2) 2012 (2009)
Synopsis: “Dr Adrian Helmsley, part of a worldwide geophysical team investigating the effect on the earth of radiation from unprecedented solar storms, learns that the earth’s core is heating up. He warns U.S. President Thomas Wilson that the crust of the earth is becoming unstable and that without proper preparations for saving a fraction of the world’s population, the entire race is doomed. Meanwhile, writer Jackson Curtis stumbles on the same information. While the world’s leaders race to build “arks” to escape the impending cataclysm, Curtis struggles to find a way to save his family. Meanwhile, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes of unprecedented strength wreak havoc around the world.”
Ranking:
Peak disastrophe. This movie is all kinds of stupid and I love every big, dumb second of it. Supervolcano? Sure. Mega-tsunamis? Yeah, why not? Cleaving off an entire city into the core of the planet? Absolutely. Smiling gleefully as billions of people perish on a Biblical scale? Don’t mind if I do. There are a whole bunch of Emmerich weirdos in this film and they all rock. It’s pure popcorn cinema.
1) Independence Day (1996)
Synopsis: “On July 2, a giant alien mothership enters orbit around Earth and deploys several dozen saucer-shaped ‘destroyer’ spacecraft that quickly lay waste to major cities around the planet. On July 3, the United States conducts a coordinated counterattack that fails. On July 4, a plan is devised to gain access to the interior of the alien mothership in space, in order to plant a nuclear missile.”
Ranking:
This is the iconic Emmerich joint and one of the best films of the 90s. Hands down. It’s the perfect synthesis of Emmerich’s propensity for destruction with genuine laughs and human motivations. The whole thing is paced impeccably and moves with a grand kineticism unrivalled by modern blockbusters. It’s endlessly quotable and has been memed to death. The CGI still holds up alongside some great practical effects. The film kick-started Will Smith’s blockbuster career and made him the celebrity juggernaut he is today. Welcome to Eath, indeed.