Byte Size: The Worst Films of 2022 (So Far)
The bad, the worse, and the downright abysmal.
Well, we’re barely halfway through 2022 (Woah, is that how time works? Stop the planet; where do I get off?), and I’ve already subjected myself to a veritable litany of questionable film experiences, from both the safety of my couch and in a real bonafide theatre with strangers and willing members of the public. Crazy.
According to my Letterboxd Watch List tracker, I have consumed a grand total of 21 recent release films in 2022, and at least eight of them (or not quite 40%) are worthy contenders for this list. Who doesn’t love statistics? Do better, Hollywood.
Anyway, here are my picks for The Worst Films of 2022 (So Far). Enjoy! (Or don’t?)
Uncharted
Synopsis: “A young street-smart Nathan Drake and his wisecracking partner Victor “Sully” Sullivan embark on a dangerous pursuit of ‘the greatest treasure never found’ while also tracking clues that may lead to Nathan’s long-lost brother.”
Well, I’m not sure how Hollywood managed to fuck this one up so badly, folks. It’s only been one of the most anticipated video game adaptations of the millennium and—on paper at least—has a straightforward premise (“non-IP infringing Indiana Jones with quips”) that should have been an easy slam dunk. I love me some Whalburger, but he’s horrendously miscast as Sully here, and Holland makes for a thoroughly unconvincing Drake. What the hell was Nathan Fillion doing? He’s already proven that he’s got the chops, and the dude is literally a Nathan in real life! Swing and a miss.
Morbius
Synopsis: “Dangerously ill with a rare blood disorder and determined to save others suffering his same fate, Dr Michael Morbius attempts a desperate gamble. What at first appears to be a radical success soon reveals itself to be a remedy potentially worse than the disease.”
The 355
Synopsis: “A group of top female agents from American, British, Chinese, Colombian, and German government agencies are drawn together to try and stop an organization from acquiring a deadly weapon to send the world into chaos.”
This one blows. A perfect storm of everything wrong with current Hollywood filmmaking. Poll-tested representation casting over talented actors matched to rich, nuanced characterisation? Check. Cliched, trite writing? Check. Muddy, thinly-veiled imperialist world police politics and very obvious CCP-approved messaging to placate the Chinese market? Check. Hard pass.
Blacklight
Synopsis: “Travis Block is a shadowy Government agent who specializes in removing operatives whose covers have been exposed. He then has to uncover a deadly conspiracy within his own ranks that reaches the highest echelons of power.”
Watching Neeson’s descent into a purely VOD pay cheque, grizzled-man-for-hire actor has truly been a sight to behold. So, when I say that Blacklight represents the absolute, bottom-of-the-barrel nadir of his late-career run, I really mean it. This clunky misfire is borderline unwatchable and, as an Australian, highly amusing from a “Wait, is he driving an SUV in regional Victoria?” standpoint.
This one feels like a Taken redux, but instead of a grown woman playing his teenage daughter, Neeson’s talent has been kidnapped, held hostage, force-fed opiates, and turned over to a Balkan crime gang for sale to the global sex trafficking trade. If he keeps this up, he’ll be doing astounding Bruce Willis numbers in no time. (Just watch out for Gerard Butler. He’s gaining on you, Liam!)
The Bubble
Synopsis: “Sneaking out. Hooking up. Melting down. The cast and crew of a blockbuster action franchise attempt to shoot a sequel while quarantining at a posh hotel.”
This might just be the vapidest, entirely ephemeral thing Judd Apatow has ever produced. (Or directed. Or written, for that matter.) Even now, I struggle to recount any particular plot elements or stylistic attributes to complain about. There’s just… nothing here, really. So yeah, don’t watch it. Don’t give Netflix’s algorithmic overlords that level of background noise satisfaction. Watch The 40-Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up instead. Please. I beg of you. Think of the children (aka the Zoomers on TikTok not watching this movie).
Moonfall
Synopsis: “A mysterious force knocks the moon from its orbit around Earth and sends it hurtling on a collision course with life as we know it.”
Back in February, I devised an ingenious and very scientifically accurate way to rank all of Roland Emmerich’s action blockbuster films:
I did this because, like the sucker I am, I thought Moonfall might actually be a return to form for the undisputed king of disastrophe filmmaking. Well, how far the mighty have fallen. This was a painful slog to get through and might just be one of Emmerich’s ugliest films, too. (And for the guy with the esteemed privilege of having Independence Day: Resurgence in his filmography… yikes.) Not even the totally bonkers premise of this film could save it from breaking hate-watch orbit and falling to spectacular new lows. *Sullen deadbeat Dad voice* “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
Metal Lords
Synopsis: “For teenage misfits, Hunter and Kevin, the path to glory is clear: Devote themselves to metal. Win Battle of the Bands. And be worshipped like gods.”
Written by Game of Thrones co-creator D.B. Weiss, Metal Lords purports to be a coming of age tale about three outsider kids who bond over a shared love for heavy music. However, as someone who wasted 98 minutes of their incredibly finite time on this dismal ball of rock hurtling through a cosmic expanse utterly devoid of universal meaning or purpose, I can tell you what this actually is: Hot Topic School of Rock, written by someone whose intimate knowledge of “metal” subculture is about as deep as a knock-off Ride The Lightning tee from Target. “Soaked in disgust. You will never be one of us.”
The Adam Project
Synopsis: “After accidentally crash-landing in 2022, time-travelling fighter pilot Adam Reed teams up with his 12-year-old self on a mission to save the future.”
Hey kids! Do you like Deadpool? Did you enjoy Free Guy? Are you still thinking of getting that Detective Pikachu tattoo? How good was Red Notice? I hope you’re ready for The Hitman’s Wife’s Step-Daughter’s Bodyguard’s Dog. I just love Ryan Reynolds. He’s so great! Such a diverse, multi-faceted, talented actor.
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